19 07 2011

Yeah it’s been forever since I blogged. Don’t worry, I’ve been slacking off equally in all areas of my life…not just here.


Freaking out

22 12 2010

I really don’t get my brain sometimes…ok most of the time. Right now I’m about to take my accounting final exam and I’m surprisingly calm. However I have panic attacks over seemingly nothing. Tuesday I showed up at my doctor’s office at 10:30. After sitting there for a few mins I started thinking that I really wasn’t supposed to be there until 10:30 on Wednesday. I could visualize myself writing “Wednesday @ 10:30” on a scrap of paper at my desk when I was making the appointment last week. Then I started playing out the scene in my mind…the one where she calls out my error in front of everyone in the waiting room. Omg I was about to have a melt down and just walk out, hoping no one would notice.

Suddenly my brain gets some oxygen and remembers that they aren’t even open on Wednesday so there’s no way it’s really the following day. What a sense of relief. I swear I do this almost every time I have an appointment or meeting. I check my calendar before I leave, at every stop light on the way there, in the parking lot before I get out of my car, in the elevator…and yet I still doubt myself until the last possible second. No idea why.

Ok actually I might know why. My brain is very easy to program. Great for remembering phone numbers and random trivia. Sucks when trying to forget a traumatic event.

The traumatic event I’m thinking about occurred in fourth grade. This was the first year we got to switch classes. I was so excited because I didn’t like my homeroom teacher. My next teacher settled us all down and started taking attendance…and I wasn’t in the list.

What do you mean I’m not on the list. Oh god, I’m in the wrong class! I have no idea if I read the number wrong or it was wrong on my paper but it didn’t matter at that point. All of the kids in the wrong class saw me leave and all the kids in my right class saw me arrive late.

Ok well that’s the end of that story because just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable.

trying not to be fat

14 12 2010

I started a google doc that I’ve named the “trying not to be fat journal”. I started it about 2 weeks ago but I’ve already fallen back into bad habits. Seriously though…only crazy people try to start dieting (uh I mean a life style change) right before the holidays. I’m writing this like I’m telling you a story because just listing what I eat is boring. Also I shared it with Mark…knowing that he has access keeps me honest.

Here is today’s entry:

I haven’t written in a week. As you may suspect, I haven’t been doing very well. I got McDonald’s on the way home from class Thursday. Mark was at bowling, I was starving and decided it was more efficient to eat while I was driving so I would have plenty of time to…well I don’t remember what but I’m sure it was important. On Saturday I pretty much stayed in bed all day because I felt like crap and didn’t eat until Mark got me Taco Bell for dinner. Honestly, I requested Subway but they were closed before Mark made it there. Yesterday I did have Subway on the way home from work because Mark didn’t want anything since he ate a late lunch. Other than that I’ll I’ve been eating is the vegetable soup I made on Sunday. There’s beef broth but no actual meat so it’s probably fairly healthy. But seriously, all the fiber is killing me…so much farting…makes me feel un-ladylike. Did you notice there are only like 10 days until Christmas? It’s almost impossible to avoid all of the dishes of candy, plates of cookies, tins of peppermint bark, etc that are loitering on every desk at work.

I know. I know. I’m just tired of stressing about it so I’m not going to worry about it until the first of the year…but that doesn’t mean I’m giving myself a free pass to eat everything I see. I went to the doctor today for a medicine checkup and the scale said 214. Yes…two hundred and fourteen pounds. Emily’s bathroom scale only said 208 this morning and I was wearing super heavy shoes at the doctor’s…but that still doesn’t make me feel any better about the number on their scale. Once again, I’ve reached a new fattest-I’ve-ever-been-weight. It makes me sick.

Not that I remembered that sick feeling when Mark made pigs in a blanket (or “hogs in a quilt” as they are affectionately called at our house) for dinner…after I ate the rest of my pint of whatever flavor ice cream that was. Omg I’m hopeless.

to be or not to be…me

9 12 2010

I know I’m not what you would call consistent when it comes to blogging. I originally started this so that I could express my thoughts but wanted to do it anonymously. I was afraid that if I mentioned too many details then someone might figure out my identity so that’s one reason I’ve not been posting very much. I guess I assumed I would offend people and didn’t want people tying this offensive girl back to me. I don’t know why I’m so so worried about what people think of me.

I just reread all of my old posts and none of them are horribly evil as far as I can tell. And really have you meet some of the celebrities out there? Some of them are popular despite being (or because they are?) offensive.

I just keep hearing all of those stories about people getting googled during job interviews and then being turned down or even fired later for something they posted on facebook. Now that it’s been decided that worker rights extend to facebook, I guess I shouldn’t freak out so much. I don’t know why I’m even worried about it because I wouldn’t criticize my boss on Facebook and it’s not like I’m a huge party girl. I guess I just think that I should be über professional at all times but now that I think about it, I don’t even like those people because they are boring. If I’m really trying to be more “normal” I’m going to have to figure out how to portray myself as a professional and a regular person at the same time.

If I want to blog about libraries I will.
If I want to blog about technology I will.
If I want to blog about food I will.
If I want to blog about arts & crafts I will.
If I want to blog about reality television I will.
If I want to blog about my cat I will.

I will probably protect the innocent by giving them nicknames though. If they are not innocent then they will get called out by their real names.

…Also sometimes I don’t blog because I can’t find a good enough picture which is dumb so that is no longer an excuse…

Blue jean blues

28 11 2010

It was just announced that we are allowed to wear jeans on Friday…if we donate $5 (each time) to a local charity. I have to admit that I’m super bad about breaking the dress code. We are supposed to only wear jeans on Saturday (a day I never work) but I regularly wear them on a Tuesday because I’m too fat to fit into my dress pants. This was a genius move on their part because now I feel guilty because I theoretically owe that charity like $500 for all of my infractions.

Off to Goodwill to buy myself some (non-denim) pants that fit…

overwhelmed…out of control

25 10 2010

So it’s the end of October and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed today…as usual. There are only 2 months left this year and I feel like i’m over scheduled. Like everything is planned out and I’m just running from place to place trying to keep up until I get to the finish line. Get up, go to work, go to class, come home, do homework, laundry, go to the grocery, cook, clean, organize, read, work on craft projects, visit people…it just never stops. This is probably why I am resisting doing anything productive while I’m at work because it’s easily to not be accountable all the time. Yes I have a million things to do at work but right now no one is questioning me about any of it.

Sometimes I wish the internet had never been invented. Then I could work in a library where there are only books. I know people think librarians read all day and some days I wish that were true. I wish I could get paid to read all day. I kind of wish I could write but I’m just afraid I don’t have any original thoughts or that I’ll unconsciously plagiarize something else I’ve read. So many books have been written that it’s hard to imagine what’s left to write about. Then I read an awesome book and think, “that’s a great idea…why didn’t I think of that?” Maybe I just haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life because I’m just not aware of whatever career is out there that would be perfect for me. Or I’m lazy…some days it’s hard to tell.

Ok time to go home, clean the kitchen, go to the grocery, unpack our suitcase, put in some laundry, make dinner…the list goes on and on of course.

Feeling old today

15 09 2010

I’m really not one of those people who freaks about being “30” but I do think about being older in general. Of course I would like to one day be married and/or have kids but it’s not like I’m going to be super upset if it doesn’t happen by my 30th birthday. I am noticing that I feel older though. Like I don’t relate well with the younger generation. Just admitting that there is a younger generation is depressing.

Last night I was scrolling through the guide on our satellite and saw that they were replaying the MTV Video Music Awards. I can’t even remember the last time I watched (maybe 2003 with the whole Madonna, Brit, Christina make-out ordeal) but I remember looking forward to it when I was in high school. It’s not that I don’t listen to popular music or keep up with reality tv, celebrities, etc. because I  do. Just the fact that the VMA’s aren’t on my radar anymore is what upsets me the most.

Ok that and that I had to DVR the rest of it because it was on until 2am and I can’t survive on less than 8 hours of sleep anymore :(