Personal Goals

1 04 2010

I feel like the overriding problem in my life is my fragile mental state. The last year of my life has been the best yet, but it still feels “not good enough”. Before I used to think that nothing mattered so being depressed was normal, acceptable. Now that things have turned around I think it bothers me even more now that I’m still sad a lot. Now I have reasons to be happy but I’m still not as much as I would like to be.

Basically it boils down to finding the self-confidence that I lost. I swear I used to be happy & feisty…I am a red head after all.

There are three things that I think can be fixed and would help immensely:
1. Get Out of Debt – At some point I started trying to buy everyone’s affection because I was sure they wouldn’t stick around otherwise. I wanted to be everyone’s hero and now I’m about $5K in the red. It’s actually been much worse but I’m going to need a newer car soon and I can’t save for it because I have so little left over after paying my credit card bills.

2. Finish School – I graduated from high school ten years ago. I’ve taken at least one college class every semester since then and am still not finished. It kills me that my younger sister finished on the normal schedule, has a “real” job, and makes twice as much (if not more) money than I do. I’m seriously over it.

3. Lose Weight – In high school I weighed around 100 pounds at 5’7″. Now I hover around the 200 pound mark. I hate how fat my face looks in pictures and I hate how clothing doesn’t fit. I was not a girly girl and had no self-awareness back in the day when I was cute so I didn’t appreciate it. I could just pick anything off the rack in my size and not even try it on because I knew it would look fine. On the rare occasions when I have money to buy clothes I don’t even want to because I get depressed and stop after trying on like three ill-fitting pieces. This is why I like shoes and handbags so much…they don’t care how fat you are.

I can’t really do much about the school thing as it’s mid-semester. To work on the debt I have to spend less or make more. I don’t think I could possibly spend less as all I have money for is rent, credit cards (which I’m not using), food and gas. I don’t make very much but I only work 30 hours per week due to school and getting a raise is out of the question (budget reasons, not because I don’t deserve one). To make more money I would have to get a new job which, as most everyone knows, is not as easy as it used to be no matter how qualified you are. I feel lucky I didn’t get my hours cut like everyone else did at my current place of employment. So for now I’m just riding it out and paying what I can. Which leaves me with goal number three…

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